Infertility: Between Marriage and Divorce?
While different countries around the world have different laws on divorce, I believe one of the saddest scenarios is when a relationship is severed because one of the couple is found to suffer from infertility. Yes, some countries actually allow divorce due to infertility. Worse, many of these countries have unequal treatment between genders.
In some African countries, where a woman’s worth is measured by her reproductive performance, it is overwhelmingly depressing to note that the husband can divorce his wife when he can prove that she is infertile, but this does not apply the other way around. Women who cannot bear children are often ostracized while their husbands are allowed to find another woman who can give them children.
Marriage is the union of two people who vowed to love each other “in sickness and in health, for better or for worse”. While I agree that one of the purposes of marriage is procreation, I also believe that this is not the only reason.
Confining marriage to such a limiting concept overlooks its more important value, and that is love. Marriage means, among other things, growing together as husband and wife, accepting each other’s strengths and weaknesses, being each other’s best friend, and loving forever.
People must not miss the main essence of marriage and all the other beautiful things that come with it. While a child is truly a wonderful blessing, we must start to realize that finding our one true love is a great blessing in itself.
Did I just sound like a hopeless romantic back there? :D Well, this is my take on the matter. I would love to hear your side. Join the discussion in the Test Country Forum.
I opened an interesting thread with the title “Should couples undergo fertility tests before marriage?” You can post replies or start new threads. See you there!
Tags: fertility, health, infertility, woman
April 27, 2009 at 8:55 amGracie M. Allen
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different countries around the world have different laws on divorce,but there is only best fertility kits around the world for testing your pregnancy.
May 12, 2009 at 7:05 amLisa
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I live in the good ol’ USA in IL, and my husband has had an affair and is leaving me after 10 years of marriage for another woman who has a 3 y/o daughter and can give him a child. Which he fully admits why he wants the divorce — so he can have his own child.
So, it is a problem here too.
May 28, 2010 at 6:55 pmsakina
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in my opinion,though both the spouse vow to be with each other in happiness and sickness but for how long without a baby..their life is incomplete.and if the husband wants to go for second marriege he has to divorce the first one and by doing so the wife is hurt but this is for the time being only. and if he marries an other women with out divorcing the first wife…then three of their lives will be miserable for sure…the man has to lead his life adjusting, compromising, giving explanations for very small and big thing to both of them.and still by donig so he cannot make them happy. and in the process of satifying both he cant satisfy none of them nor himself.so wat say?
July 20, 2010 at 6:05 pmseriously thinking of divorce
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I am thinking of leaving my husband because he has been found to be infertile. He is a wonderful man and I fell in love with him the moment I met him. We have been married for five great years, but have not been able to conceive. My dream has always been to have a family, and if I can not realize this dream with him, I will realize it with someone else. I am not sure about how he feels, but I know he wanted children too. This news has hit me really hard, and well I said I would love him in my marriage vows “until death do us part,” I might not have said those words if I knew he couldn’t have children. I feel very angry, indifferent and depressed. I am 33years of age and I hear my clock ticking. I never dreamed that I would be in this situation. It’s really hard to live with the idea that we might never have a family of our own. I love my husband, but am not in love with the idea of never having a family, never experiencing motherhood. I feel like I am being punished. Are there any couples that are dealing with this?
Sincerely,
seriously thinking of divorce
March 15, 2011 at 2:21 amPenny Lane
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Dear Seriously Thinking of Divorce,
Your comment made my eyes water because I know exactly how you feel. I don’t think that anyone–and I mean anyone–can possibly understand the pain, anger, and resentment of a woman who must choose between the love of her life and something that is as natural and essential to her happiness as breathing the air. For me, it would be next to impossible to leave my husband….and I am plagued by the guilt I have for so often wishing I could.
If I were not in your same situation, I would probably tell you that you are being selfish and that there is more to life than just having babies. And to everybody who has suggested as much to me, I only ask–Is wanting to bring a life into the world, care for it, love it, nurture it, and sacrifice for it really such a selfish act?
My husband has a sperm count of zero (genetic obstruction of the vas deferens) so there is really no hope for us. At first I consoled myself with the thought of a sperm donor, but after “shopping around” at the various cryobanks I feel actually a physical nausea sweep over me at the thought of brining a child into the world that way. I don’t want to adopt, I don’t want a sperm donor, I don’t want in vitro, I don’t want any cutting-edge medical procedures, operations, or drugs…..but I desperately, with all my heart want to have a baby that is conceived with love, the natural and time-honored way. I am only 29, and was 27 when we found out about my husband’s infertility. With every month that passes, I feel only more that my life is passing me by, and that by the time I get desperate enough to do anything about it, I’ll be too old.
I get so jealous of my friends and relatives who are pregnant and/or have cute little kids that I just try to fight back the tears the whole time. Nobody could ever possibly understand how hard it is.
May 2, 2011 at 1:40 pmRe: Seriously Thinking About Divorce
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I don’t completely understand where you are coming from, but I am in a somewhat similar situation: My husband has a sperm count of zero and he will be having surgery to see if there is any possible chance for our conceiving biological children and he has it in his mind that if it’s not possible he is going to leave me. He says that he doesn’t want to use a sperm donor and he knows how important it is for me to have children.
I don’t get it. When we married I promised to love him for the rest of his life. I am terribly saddened by his perspective, but I don’t know if it’s worth fighting him. I do want to have children, but I want him to be my partner…
August 16, 2011 at 12:07 amNina Le
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I’m so glad to read the comments made by others because this winter 2012 will be my anniversary and I don’t plan on spending another day in the same house with my spouse. He got me to marry him because he didn’t want any of our kids born out of wedlock and after 8 years still no babies. He can’t get past 3million sp$$rm every time he has been tested. Tried herbs, gave up 90% of soy products and no celery. Drinking raw juice, both of us taking apple cider vinegar baths and after several years the highest test was only 9million. I explained to him that maybe in life people are only ment to be with someone long enough to learn whatever lessons they need to learn to move forward and maybe he is not the one I’m supposed to have children with and that who knows maybe with me changing his eating habits and us both getting healthier the next people we both marry -boom- I get pregnant and he actually knocks a chick up but so far unfortunately it’s just not gonna be with me.
It is painful and my prayers go out to anyone going through this but damn society automatically assumes all the time that it’s the woman and now a days I think it is breaking even with infertile men. I gave several years of my life to this childless marriage, on top of all the other issues in it that he will not work on and I am done, and finally trying to find peace with my decision.
August 31, 2011 at 4:20 pmash
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I’m torn inside as well.
After being engaged with my high school sweet heart, two years ago
she was diagnosed with leukemia. She has successfully defeated cancer and last year we got married.
Days ago our greatest fears became true. Due to the chemotherapy she is now post menopause. She is only 26.
It’s a dream to start a family. To become a father.
I’m only 28 and I feel that I will be truly unhappy for the rest of my life in a
childless home.
As an educator I’m confronted with this reality everyday. My eyes
swell up every time I work parent pick and help the little ones climb into
the family vehicles.
I don’t know what to do….
September 10, 2011 at 8:29 pmChoice
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This is a choice that we all have to make as the fertile partner. Unfortunately, you only have to make the choice to leave once… you have to make the choice to stay every single day (or cycle).
I wonder if I should conceive without my DH and then file for divorce. There is a chance that I will experience difficulty getting pregnant with donor sperm. What if I give up my husband and family of two and then find out that I am “unexplained”?